


cold and cut in handles

by erintoknow



Series: Aria [34]
Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén, Fallen Hero: Rebirth (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Dogs, F/F, Nightmares, POV Female Character, POV Second Person, Recovery, Trans Character, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:22:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21642151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erintoknow/pseuds/erintoknow
Summary: Bad dreams.You need to clear your head.Everything's fine. Stop stressing so much.
Relationships: Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero)
Series: Aria [34]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1399939
Comments: 4
Kudos: 25





	cold and cut in handles

**Author's Note:**

> [[Lucid Visions by Doprah]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGJN639aSq8)

When you open your eyes, you can’t tell the difference. But it’s the soreness in your shoulders that gets you first. Arms over your head. You’ve been suspended from something. Feet barely touching the ground. Your thoughts feel dull, fuzzy and out of focus. Head rests against your arm. The air is frigid, teasing goose bumps up and down your limbs, and piercing down your lungs.

No point getting scared. It’s only a dream. It’s only a dream, you’re not really here right now. You’ll wake up and you’ll be on Rosa’s couch at the Co-Op, or no – no, that was years ago, wasn’t it? It’s so hard to remember, to think. Sorting through moth-eaten images buried under water; thick and viscous. It sticks to the skin in a way that can never come clean.

How long have you been here? Hanging in the dark?

Squeeze your eyes shut and wake up.

Wake up.

Wake up.

 _Wake up_.

* * *

Police sirens are the first thing you hear – the feeling of your heartbeat pounding is the second. Lay on the mattress, rooted to the spot. The sirens are getting louder. Are you even breathing? The room is near-dark, streetlight blocked out by thick blinds. Only the computer screen provides any illumination, a green waveform bouncing along the edges of the monitor. The buzz of thoughts just below the threshold of comprehension undercuts everything like the hum of a cathode-ray tube.

The sirens start to fade, shifting from one side of the room to the other. Gone. Not for you.

Can feel yourself melt into the bed. Breath again. It’s okay. Just dreams. Just fears. They aren’t coming for you today. Your hands clutch at the pillow in your arms, press it tighter against your body. It’s nothing. It’s not nothing.

You twist over and swing a hand out to the bedside table, grope around for your phone. No messages, but that’s not a surprise.

> Ari: sorry
> 
> Ari: are you awake yet?

Stare at the blank screen, wincing under the light. Even on the lowest setting the whites are still too bright.

Nothing.

Of course not. Julia might not even be awake yet. What time is it? 3:51AM. Even if she was awake, she has more important things to do than talk to you. Sooner or later the other shoe is going to drop and she’ll realize this can’t work. Right?

Ugh. Shut up Ari you – You take a deep breath, Dr. Finch says you need to ease up on the negative self-talk. Hah. Easier said than done. She underestimates what a colossal fool you are.

You’re not getting back to sleep tonight. Don’t want to anyway. Don’t want to be you in any form.

Finding Jane is a familiar path by now. Uncoiling yourself to reach out and wrap around her body. Sinking in. Shock of breath and Jane opens her eyes, kicking back the covers and stretching her arms. Dr. Mortum had to twist your arm over her continued support, but she’s extracted a promise from you to keep Jane away from the villainy business. Another lost tool from your arsenal, but it’s hardto muster an argument over it.

You can’t pretend anymore that you don’t care.

But still, Jane’s body needs regular care if you’re not going to stick her back in a hospital. And that’s not a move you’re ready to take. There has to be some upside to what you’ve done. Mortum’s been running tests off and on for weeks now – so far she’s declined to discuss on her thoughts before she’s finished gathering data.

It stings. You’ve lost her trust. Or, really, suppose you never had it in the first place.

Stepping outside the cool night air fills Jane’s lungs. It won’t be too long until the sun rises, if the lightening horizon is any indication. Or maybe it’s just the ground light, diffused into the haze of city smog.

You don’t really think about where Jane is walking. Just follow the path in front, and it’ll take you where it takes you. The buildings Jane passes by slowly change in character from dilapidated housing to retail stores, and hole-in-the-wall bars. With a grimace, Jane ducks into the next still-open bar.

Don’t think she’s ever been here before. It’s like a dump after the bulldozer flattens the garbage down; desolate and reeking. The bartender, in the middle of washing up regards Jane with undisguised contempt. “We’re closing in fifteen.”

“That’s fine,” Jane smiles, apologetic. “I just need a moment to sit down.” She doesn’t wait for a response for taking a stool at the bar, resting an arm the counter.

He turns back to the glasses, “Don’t expect any service.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

How long has it been since you’ve taken Jane to Joes? Weeks? Not since the Auction heist or roundabouts. So much for your crusade for vengeance, huh? That lasted what? Maybe nine – ten months? Not even a full year. So now what? Where do you go from here? The Regenerator is almost done, but will it be enough to keep you safe?It’s not like the first time, where HRT helped to change your appearance.

Is it enough, really, just to take care of yourself? What about the other re-genes? The other cuckoos, are they any less human than you are? Any less deserving of justice? And you know what the Directive does – how they use their tools… how can it be okay to stand by and let that continue?

Julia wants you to just stop. Might as well turn yourself in then, or, better, off yourself. You’re never going to be safe. What you thinking? That you could actually go against an entire country and come out on top? What are you, nuts?

No, not crazy just–

“Lady,” The bartender taps the counter in front of Jane. “We’re closed.” He waits for a moment, and when Jane doesn’t move, adds “Get Out.”

“Fine. Jesus.” She makes a face and gets up. Back onto the streets. “Talk about rude…”Jane mutters on her breath, dusting off her skirt. It’s not much father from here to the dog park. Might as well take in some early morning greenery.

* * *

The sun breaks over the horizon and by the time Jane’s walking the park path, the birds are already chirping with the dawn chorus. Tragically no dogs yet that you can see. Two loops on the track and then Jane finds your usual bench. You’ve done her exercise for the day, you ought to go back, feed Jane, shower, and let her go again. Start your own day.

Stop getting lost in your own head already.

Getting lost in Jane’s head?

“You’re here early.” Chen’s voice gives you a start as you jump in your seat. How did you not notice him coming up?

Wait.

Jane turns to face the man towering over him. (Since when was Chen that tall?) “Sorry… I– I don’t think we’ve met?”

The Marshal creases brows in an uncharacteristic moment of confusion before coughing into his hand. “Ah, sorry Miss. I mistook you for someone else.”

“It’s… fine?” Jane frowns, her heart pounding. “You… normally come out here at the crack of dawn?”

He nods. “Before work when I can help it.” He lifts a hand to point out at the grey shape running from tree to tree. “Spoon needs to burn off energy.”

Jane tilts her head, watching the dog circle a tree before sharply darting off to the next. “They’re cute.”

The marshal, dressed in an entirely too casual a sweater, doesn’t sit down, splitting his attention between watching Spoon and watching Jane. “You have a dog?”

“Ah– no. No, I don’t.” She laughs, running a hand through her hair. “I just… find them relaxing to look at sometimes.” Wait. Shit. Jane blanches, then tries to laugh it off. “I – I mean normally. Of course. It was… a rough night. I just kind of ended up here by habit, I guess.”

Chen gives Jane a strange look.

Nervous energy jittering through her, Jane stands up, chewing her lip hard enough to draw blood. “I should – I should get going honestly. Sorry to bother you.”

Idiot. What were you thinking? Jane power walks out of the park. You’re taking her straight home before you can fuck yourself over any further.

The walk home at least is uneventful if not quiet. The city is quick to wake up. It never sleeps so much as takes a breather. Cars slowly increase on the road, joggers and dog walkers are joined by suits with briefcases.

Jane’s apartment is the same as it’s been for the past almost three years now, right below your own. It’s a good routine you’ve got going, and having her so close has been helpful on more than one occasion. Running on automatic, you don’t notice the problem until Jane moves to flip on the lights.

They’re already on.

Jane freezes. The door… was locked, wasn’t it? Or – Jane just unlocked it, didn’t exactly think to check before hand. You know what a robbery looks like; the place hasn’t been cased.

Jane spends the rest of the morning going through the entire apartment. You don’t keep anything sensitive here that could compromise you, but not even the jewelry has been touched. Did someone bug the room? You can’t find anything.

Finally, exhausted from looking, Jane sinks into bed. Did you just forget to turn out the lights when you left? That has to be it. You had a bad dream and were really out of it and weren’t paying attention to things. Just running on automatic.

It’s fine. Just over reacting.

It’s fine.

* * *

You wake up again in your own body and your heart seizes in panic at the pitch black around you. Then your awareness catches up with the rest of your brain and you stare bleary-eyed into the gloom. Sunlight poking out from the edges of the window blind.

It’s fine.

You’re fine. This is your apartment. Your place. It’s not a condemned building, or an alley, it’s not a couch in an acquaintance’s living room, it’s a cell.

You’re in your own place, your own bed, your own home.

Your phone buzzes against you thigh and you make a clumsy grab for it.

> Julia: whats up?
> 
> Julia: hey you okay?
> 
> Ari: oh, hey, sorry
> 
> Ari: i fell back asleep there
> 
> Ari: are
> 
> Ari: are you busy right now?
> 
> Ari: can i come over

* * *

“Hey, those are new.”

You look up with a start, one hand going to your ear. “H–huh? Oh.” A sharp turn of your head and your staring at the kitchen table. “Um. W–what do you… what do you think?”

“They’re cute.” Is this feeling what it means when people say their heart soars? “There’s only one problem…” Julia adds. And just like that your heart crashes back to the ground.

“…what?”

“That’s months where I have to leave your ears alone.”

You look up at her. She’s standing by the fridge, a glass of water in hand behind which she’s hiding a smirk. “Huh?” It takes a moment longer for your brain to catch up and then your face goes red. “Oh my–my–my god– _Julia._ ”

“What?” She shrugs, picture of innocence. “It’s going to be a real hardship.”

“You ass.”

“Is doing well, thank you for asking.”

A twinge of irritation as you cross your arms. “Y–you know, getting these was–was–wasn’t easy.”

That gets the guilty look you were hoping for. “I heard.” The guilt on Julia’s face doesn’t last long however, “Did I hear from Herald right though, you just ran right into the middle of the fight? With the _Catastrofiend_ no less.”She jabs her water glass towards you, almost spilling it. “What were you thinking?”

Now it’s your turn to look guilty. “It– it wasn’t like that. I couldn’t just… stand around sucking my thumb. So… I swept the perimeter. Made sure everyone had gotten out of the way safely.”

“Is that so…” Julia raises an eyebrow. “You took potshots at Catastrofiend, I hear.”

“Herald and Argent… they… they needed an opening so…” You chew your cheek, avoiding Julia’s stare. From the corner of your eye you can see the suggestion of a smile. “It doesn’t– I’m not– I just–”

“I didn’t say anything, Ariadne.”

“Liar.” You force yourself to meet her eyes. “I just.. I did what anyone would have done.”

“Now who’s the liar?” Julia sighs, takes a sip from her glass. “You’ve made some serious bad decisions the last two years, Ari, don’t think I’m forgetting that. But!” She jabs her glass at you again, “I don’t think you’re physically capable of _not_ being a hero. I know you don't want to believe it, but it's the truth. Damn, if you’re going to end up turning my hair white before I’m 50. Those box dyes at the connivence store aren’t exactly cheap.”

With a ‘harrumph’ you roll your eyes and shrug off your shawl, folding it on the back of a chair. You’re not a hero, Julia’s judgement is obviously biased. But still… it’s hard to ignore the lightness in your chest right now. You smirk back at her, rolling your eyes. “You poor th–thing. I’ll just have to– have to make it up to you somehow.”

“Oh?” Julia watches you walk around the table towards her. “And how are you going to do that?”

“I’m s–s–sure I’ll think of… something.” You give a small smile, leaning into her space. “Being a ‘m–master’ tactician and all…”

Julia smiles back as you gently move her occupied arm out of the way. “Is that so?” She says, egging you on.

“Maybe later.” A smirk plays at your lips and you step back. That’ll fix her. “I just– just thank you.”

“Of course, any time.” Julia winks at you, putting theglass down on the counter. “What am being thanked for?”

“Letting me come over so early I–” You shake your head, you already give Julia too much to worry about as it is. “S–sorry.”

“Hey…” The playfulness drops from Julia’s voice and she follows after you, touching your arm. “Everything okay?”

“It’s– It’s fine.” You make yourself smile again, leaning into her touch. “Just… just bad dreams. Bad m–memories.”


End file.
